Letting go of the past
by evelina.nyman.7
Summary: Donnie feels responsible for what happened in New York since he argued with Leo earlier and after hearing few and Raph helps him with letting go of what happened in the past. Spoiler warning for those who haven't seen the season finale of season 2! You have been warned!


Letting go of the past

**A/N: Okay, first of I just want to say I am a little late with the next chapter of 'The monster underneath the surface' since I had a little homework to get done by this Monday, just so you know. I will try to put it up as soon as I can and since I am free on Wednesday I hope I will have it up by then. But I wanted to give you something so I gave you this, so I really hope you'll like it.**

**And another thing, if you haven't seen the finale of season 2 and don't want anything spoiled, you probably shouldn't read this. I know we haven't seen how the place they're going to, so I let my imagination fly a little. **

**So the 'plot' in this one-shot is that Donnie feels responsible for what happened in New York since he argued with Leo earlier and after hearing few and Raph helps him with letting go of what happened in the past. Spoiler warning for those who haven't seen the season finale of season 2! You have been warned, twice!**

**Oh well, enough talking now! Read and enjoy and please, review, favorite and follow, or maybe not follow since this is a one-shot, but whatever. **

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><p>(Donnie's P.O.V)<p>

The ride up to Northampton was very silent. Mikey had been crying himself to sleep and was now resting against Raph's chest and snored softly. Raph had his arm around Mikey's shoulder, but didn't seem to notice he was there. He was staring right out the window and his eyes seemed so empty it was a little scary. It was so unlike Raph to show little to no emotion whatsoever, bot even a bit anger.

April also appeared to be asleep on Casey's shoulder, and Casey had his head tilted a little so his cheek rested against her head. I felt a small pang of jealousy, but only a small one. I was too tired to care at the moment and besides, I had other things on my mind at the moment.

I had Leo's head in my lap and carefully stroke his forehead with my index finger. He looked more dead than alive and I had never felt so guilty in my life. If I hadn't argued with him before, none of this would ever have happened. Yet I refused to cry over how bad I felt right now.

Raph had cried after Splinter had been thrown into the drain, but only for a little while. April had cried over her father being mutated again and over Splinter and Mikey had cried over both Splinter and Leo. Even Casey had cried a little over his dad and little sister, but I think he was holding back his tears for as long as he could. But I couldn't cry, not now and not later either. The others were both broken and in a way heartbroken at the moment and someone needed to be strong for them.

Leo groaned softly and moved his head slightly, but remained motionless and unconscious. I leaned down and nuzzled my cheek against his temple and swallowed back a sob. I couldn't cry, I wouldn't cry! I had to be strong for my family and be there for them when they needed me. I couldn't get emotional right now.

"I'm so sorry, Leo. I should've listened to you before, now everything has gone to hell. Please, you have to wake up soon, we need you. We really need you bro." I felt the 'party van' slow down until it stopped and I looked out the window and saw, not only that the moon was high up on the sky but also that we parked in front of a big house.

The house was old and looked a little broken here and there and the weathervane of a rooster on the roof was hanging lose from its hold, some of the windows were broken, but not too badly and the porch also looked old and rotten and if you weren't careful the wood could break under your feet, but other than that it looked sturdy enough and that was good enough for us at the moment. And the whole lawn was overgrown with weeds and the grass was wildly overgrown.

"Well, here we are guys. My old summer house." April said. I realized I had fallen asleep for a little while with my head against Leo's and hadn't noticed when the others woke up or when anyone said we were almost there. But now I saw both Mikey and April had woken up and Raph blinked away the emotionless glance in his eyes. Casey looked out the window and eyed the house in the moonlight.

"This is it? What, did they record some kind of a horror movie here or something?" April rolled her eyes and jumped out of the van and brought out a flashlight from the glove box and lightened it and eyed the old house. Raph lightly pushed Mikey away from him, who even if he was awake was still leaning against Mikey, and stood up and jumped out of the van as well and was followed by Mikey.

"Oh, come on! It's not so bad, and I haven't been here in a few years so I didn't expect it to be in top shape." Mikey walked up to April and eyed the house with her. He smiled and put his hand on her shoulder, but I could see he was just trying to be positive.

"Don't worry April. This will be awesome, it doesn't have to be so great." April looked at Mikey with a raised eyebrow, before she smiled lightly.

"Thanks Mikey." She looked thoughtful for a second and looked down to the ground and raised her eyebrow again. "I think. But anyway, he have to get Leo inside and on the couch." I nodded and with Raph's help, we got Leo out of the van and carried him towards the house.

April ran up ahead and unlocked the door, with the keys she said they always kept around the house, and then led us inside the living room, which was dusty but it still looked like good enough. The windows were unbroken, the couch looked comfortable enough and the electricity still worked, not only in the room but in the whole house.

Raph and I put Leo down on the couch and Mikey took a blanket from a closet in the corner and placed it over Leo's broken body and tucked him in properly before taking a few steps back and we all just stood there and looked at him for a few minutes before Mikey opened his mouth.

"So, what do we do now? I mean, New York is taken over by Kraang _and_ the Shredder, Leo's hurt and more dead than alive and we have no idea if Splinter is alive. What are we going to do?" I sighed and placed my hand on his shoulder and tried comfort him the best I could.

"At the moment there's not much we can do. We have to wait until Leo's gets better and wakes up, and then we'll come up with a plan and then we go back." Casey looked over at me, and I guess he was both tired and sad at the moment, cause he seemed to snap.

"Wait for Leo to wake up? But, could take forever! If not longer, I say we come up with a plan as soon as possible and go back to the city as soon as possible! There are innocent people getting hurt there, we have to act now!" April looked at Casey with tired eyes.

"Casey-" I looked at Casey and I thought about starting an argument, but found myself too tired to waste energy on a fight so I tried to stay calm.

"You know we can't do that, Casey. Leo is the leader and he calls the shots, not you. I admit I didn't agree with his decision this time, but I know now that he knows better. Besides, even if we went back to the city now, what about Leo? Are you suggesting we should take him with us now when he's hurt?" I tried to make myself sound calm, but it's hard when you're tired, scared, guilty and on the edge of a emotional breakdown. Casey took a step towards me and tried to press his face closer to me, but Raph pulled him back by his arm, the best he could since he was also very tired.

"Casey, we get that you want to go back to the city right now, and that you're tired and sad but starting a fight is not helping anyone, so back off!" Casey squirmed in Raph grip and tried to get his arm free, but Raph was stronger than Casey, even when tired. But Casey pointed at me with his gloved hand and turned to both April and Raph and was now almost yelling, and his voice was cracking a little.

"Yeah, but if he had chosen to listen to Leo before, we wouldn't be in this mess! Leo had a plan, but Donnie didn't listen and doomed the city by doing so!"

"Casey!" April voice was angry and she sounded like a mother scolding her child, but I didn't hear her. Her voice faded out around me and all I heard was Casey's words over and over in my head. I felt Mikey put his hand on my arm, trying to get through to me.

"Donnie?" I jerked my arm away from Mikey's grip and without a single word I walked out of the room, ignoring Mikey trying to make me come back. I just walked out the living room, into the hall opened the door and slammed it shut behind me. The moon was still out and it was enough light for me to see where I was going. But for about a minute I just stood there in front of the house and panted loudly before I screamed out my frustration and sadness right into the night. The echo bounced back from the trees that surrounded the house and it sounded a little spooky, but I didn't care.

I saw a path in the forest on the other side of the road we had come from before and it lead right into the darkness, but I'd rather blow of some steam in the forest than going back in there so I walked over to the path and followed it until I came to a big lake where the moon was shining its silver into the water and with the forest around it, the calm air and the tranquility it calmed me down a little almost immediately. I sat down on the shore and let my feet dangle in the water, and looked out over the calm lake while I thought over what had happened in less than 24 hours.

"_There is no time for that Leo, the Turtle Mech is solid! If I were leader-" _

"_But you're not the leader Donnie, I am!" _

"_Leo, the Turtle Mech is our only answer! Be reasonable!"_

"_I am being reasonable, we need a second base Donnie! Period!" _I sighed put my chin in my hands and placed my elbows on my knees. Why did I have to be so stubborn? I mean, we're all stubborn in one way or another, but still! When the world is at stake it doesn't matter what strategy you used, as long as the world was safe. So why was I so determined to get my way this time?

I heard rustling of leaves and a few sticks that snapped and I put my hand on my staff, ready to fight if it was an enemy or an animal in the forest. Were there any animals in this forest? There had to be some animals out in this forest somewhere. But it wasn't some kind of predator or something like that. Raph walked out of the forest and immediately when he saw me he ran over to me and placed both hands on my shoulders.

"Donnie, are you okay? We heard you scream before and we thought you were in trouble!" I didn't really know how to answer that question. I hadn't realized my scream would worry my family. I just had to let out my emotions. I grabbed Raph's wrists and pulled his hands of my shoulders.

"Don't worry Raph, I'm fine. I just needed to let out my frustration before. You can tell the others I'm okay." Raph just looked at me, before he sat down beside me with his knees drawn up to his chest and placed his arm around my shoulders.

"Casey's sorry for what he said before, and both April and I yelled at him for a while so he knows what he said and did was wrong." I looked down at my reflection in the water and just sighed. I felt tears starting to form and threatened to fall, but I tried to blink them away, but Raph still saw my tears.

"Hey, what's wrong? If it's what Casey said before you don't have to cry over it. None of what happened back in the city was your fault." I rubbed my arm over my eyes and and sniffled a little. But I never met Raph's eyes over even looked at him.

"Yes Raph, it is. If I had just listened to Leo before, and if we had all left the city before the Kraang found the lair, none of this would have happened. Why do everything I try to do always turn into disaster?" I closed my eyes to stop new tears from falling and turned my head away from my older brother and shrugged his arm off my shoulders. I heard my brother sigh beside me and put his arm around my shoulders again and pulled me into his chest and hugged me tightly. I tried to fight back and get free from the embrace but Raph just tightened his hold on me so I stopped squirming after a few minutes.

"I know you are hurt inside, Donnie, and I know you're feeling guilty over what happened, but it wasn't your fault. No one blames you for what happened. Not even Casey blames you, he was just tired and scared, even if he doesn't want to admit it." I looked up at Raph, and couldn't help but smile at the irony in Raph's words.

"Yeah, because you would never not admit when you're wrong, can't do something or something like that." Raph laughed slightly and hugged me even tighter, making it hard for me to breath. I pushed at his chest and tried to squirm away again, but Raph only tightened his hold on me.

"Hey, Raph! I know you're trying to help me and stuff, but can you loosen up a bit, I can't breath!" Immediately Raph's arms loosened their hold on me and he smiled sheepishly at me.

"Sorry bro. But seriously, you've got to let this go. You said it yourself, there are some things we can't control and you can't let things like that bother you for so long, you've got to let them go." I looked up at Raph and sighed. I felt more tears starting to form in my eyes, and tried once again to blink them away.

"I know, but still. It seems like everything I try to do to help you or the world just seems to go wrong. Or I mess something up myself. Like Metalhead when he got taken over by the Kraang and both Timothy and Kirby got mutated, heck Kirby got mutated _twice_! And that's just a few things, it seems like whatever I do to help someone is doomed to fail, hurt someone or worse. I don't know Raph, maybe it would be better if I wasn't around." I felt Raph tighten his grip around me again and nuzzled my temple with his beak.

"Donnie, don't think like that. Without you we would've been dead several times, so don't think you never do anything right. Besides, you have to stop thinking about the things that you haven't done right and let them go. If you keep holding on to them they'll always be there to remind you of your failures and hold you back. Take it from someone from who knows." I looked at Raph in confusion and raised an eyebrow.

"You? I thought you never let anything go. You always remind Leo and Mikey of their failures and if I remember correctly you've reminded me of mine too." Raph smiled sheepishly and shrugged a little. He released me from his hug, but kept his arm around my shoulders.

"Yeah well, you know me. I always push you around because I want you to do better in what you're doing. Like I want to help you become better in your inventing and such. I'm sorry if I push you in the wrong way. But I know that when something bad happens, like when Spike attacked you guys, after a while I learned to forgive myself for making Spike a monster turtle and now, it doesn't bother me as much as it did." I tried to smile but it felt forced and I still felt the tears sting in my eyes and I blinked even harder, but it didn't help so much. Raph raised his other hand and wiped away a few tears from my cheek.

"It's okay Donnie, let it out. Let it go." Something in me just snapped and and I buried my face in Raph's chest and started to cry hysterically and I felt Raph rub my shell softly and rested his cheek against my head and just let me cry out my pain and frustration. It like forever when I finally stopped crying and when I did I felt a little embarrassed for losing it like that, but I did feel better after letting out me emotions. I rub my arm over my eyes and look at Raph with a small smile.

"Sorry." Raph just shook his head, stood up and reached his hand for me to grab and he helped me to my feet. He smiled, but I still saw a little of that pride in his eyes so I assumed he would say something about what happened here tonight.

"It's okay Donnie. But if you tell anyone what happened here tonight-" I put my hands up defensively and shook my head, but I kept a small smile since I knew Raph was just being Raph.

"I won't tell anyone, I promise." Raph seemed pleased with that answer and we started to walk back to the house, but before we got there Raph grabbed my arm and he looked a little uncomfortable.

"Y'know Donnie, between the two of us, I think you are the strongest one of us two." I raised and eyebrow in complete confusion and almost felt like place a hand on Raph's head to see if he had a fever.

"Uh, no Raph. _You_ are the muscle of the team and _I_ am the brains, remember?" Raph shook his head and placed his hand on my shoulder and squeezed it reassuringly.

"No, I mean, you are the strongest because you always have the strength to keep on going even when times are rough, while some of us have to be reassured that everything will be fine." I smiled again, wider this time and Raph and shared a brotherly hug.

"Thank you Raph." I whispered it in his ear and I felt he smiled into my shoulder and held me a little tighter and whispered back.

"Anytime, bro." With that we let go of each other and walked back to the house. And I felt better. I may have made a few mistakes before and surely I would make even more in my life, but I knew that sometimes it's better for everyone to just those things go.

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><p><strong>AN: Here is my one-shot and I will get the next chapter of '**The monster underneath the surface' as soon as I can. ****


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